The Potential Blogger

I really wish that I could just get over my fear of not being considered relevant, humorous or interesting, well my writing more specifically. I am so spineless when it comes to my art – yes, I consider writing an art form. There is just something so beautiful about pen on paper – I always feel as if there is something missing or it is just not good enough compared to other young writers, poets and bloggers (I have an interest in all three by the way). Note, the keyword being  COMPARED. I absolutely loathe that I do this because I am my own person, individual thoughts and personality. Through my writing I feel like I could make a difference, in a sense that when people are exposed to my work, they are able to (for that short while) experience life and all its shenanigans through my eyes, through my thoughts and emotions.  I want my work to be simple in the most thought-provoking way. 

Back to comparing myself to others, I feel like it is more self conscious than it is admiration or inspiration. Like I said, I am terrified of being a failure at what I pursue or just not being good enough.  So my solution to that these past couple of years was to just do nothing about it and wallow.  Wishful thinking and watching others go for their dreams, hustling and just doing what they love, something I should have been doing and something I would be good at. I feel like I’m a three-way cross between an optimist, pessimist and an opportunist, unfortunately the inner pessimist in me claims victory every time.  I say this because, I see myself at the finish line and because I truly believe I am not as naive as my peers  therefore I am able to pick up on common  mistakes and attentively listen to the preaching’s of the old and wise. Jumping over and dodging these potholes, this puts me ten steps ahead of the rest and whilst they’re blinded by the obvious and momentarily slowed down in the race by the potholes, I swiftly pass by, as I prosper, closer to the finish line.  Well at least that is my definition of an opportunist (like I’ve previously mentioned my perspective).  But inner pessimist defeats me every single time. That punk. She’s a constant reminder that I am not as great as I would like to believe I am that I will never be as great as I would like to eventually be one day and that I will never prosper. There will always be someone one step ahead of me, doing better than me.  She’s a constant reminder of what I’m lacking. She’s always throwing the harshest realities at me. Savage, she rips apart the little bit of hope and faith I have, she breaks down my wall of confidence and I am left in ruins.  She serpents her way in and out of my head as she pleases.  Every single time she slaps me back into the reality of my hopelessness and of course with the efforts of optimist and opportunist in vain.  She’s like lemon to my scars of inadequacy, to make sure I never forget to stay hidden and stay in the shadows. She’s always telling me “Luthando, you are nothing special, stay in your lane”.

These past couple of years I have let inner pessimist rule my life. I have lost time that I will never get back, spent it wallowing on things I could not change, relying on the unreliable, loving the coldest hearts and through that entire bullshit (there really is no better word to describe it) I didn’t realise that I was losing myself. I have constantly made excuses as to why I cannot conquer some of my dreams now as a teenager. I’ve let people influence me and thus losing out on so much opportunities and time. However I cannot say I did not learn or gain anything during these past couple of years. The human species and their nature are fascinating I tell you, in the best and the worst ways.  I realised that I am a very emotional and passionate person. I feel like I have been channelling that emotion and passion in the wrong way and to the wrong people. I have ambitions, I have goals and I want to channel all my passion into those ambitions and goals. I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I am strong enough to be able to tell inner pessimist where to get off. The time has come for me to take my life “back” and “be great” as Jigga would say. I want to start my blog before the end of this year. What better time is there but now? I have put my life on hold for way too long. I want to show everyone the beauty of fashion, writing (poetry), visual art and music and how they all intricately fit together perfectly like a  puzzle. How they influence everyday life and simply just show appreciation.